on the road less travelled in Ireland and france

Excerpts from a diary by Conal Healy detailing a planned holiday in France to be taken with his partner Fran Silk.

October 2022: The end of the Covid 19 pandemic is in sight. The global travel restrictions are fading away.

I’ve already been to Ireland in March/April 2022 for my mother’s funeral in Dublin. The misery of the trip is made worse by sitting on the long haul flight from Australia to Ireland wearing a facemask for 28 hours.

Fran and myself dust off our plans for a return to Europe – maybe in 2023?

October 2022: Fran is (briefly) number one in the world (Sapphire League) doing her Duolingo French lessons…. without getting out of bed in the morning. “C’est un chien mange chien world” says Fran. I am is reading the Lonely Planet guide book to France and checking out Airbnbs in France and Ireland.

November 1, 2022: I order a road map of France. This will be our route planner. It will be a wall chart.

November 12, 2022: Fran and I drop into the local travel agent Flight Center to begin planning for the holiday to Europe.

The day Fran discovered that “con” is the French word for “cunt”. Being Australian Fran shortens words: Afternoon become Arvo, McDonalds become Maccas and Conal becomes Con. For years she has called me Con.

Wil the knowledge that “con” in France is non-non Fran decides she should not my full name while in France. She can’t imagine her self shouting out my name in a crowd cafe … it might raise a few eyebrows.

Con/conne/connard: This word can have a variety of meanings and intent, depending on context. It’s generally a very vulgar word meaning ‘”asshole” or a part of the female anatomy, but can also mean “jerk” or “idiot.” However, if you say: “C’est con…” It means: “It’s dumb” and it’s generally acceptable. A guide book suggests: "When in doubt, however, avoid using the word “con” as you might seem ill-mannered". 

The previous evening Fran translated the lyrics of the 1970s French, New Wave hit song “Ça plane pour moi” (by Plastic Bertrand) into English as part of her learn french hobby. Fran has a new appreciation for the line “I am the king of the divan”.

December 15, 2022: The trip to Europe is on! I’ve paid for the flights from Coolangatta to Dublin and Paris to Brisbane. Cost: $2300 return. Per person. Fran has started to book our Airbnbs for our first five nights in Paris. Now the planning can begin in earnest.

December 16: Fran books the Airbnb in the 10th arrondissement for our first five nights in France. Now the trip planning can really begin. We break out the Paris Metro drink coasters to check out the nearest Metro to the apartment, Colonel Fabian, and consult the Lonely Planet map to see where the apartment is located.

On her last trip to Paris, Fran was unprepared for France. This time she has decided to learn French. Fran is now on a 60-day plus streak with the language app, Duolingo. There are various leagues of players all vying for positions on the weekly table. Usually the top seven go through, last weekend only the top five made it. Fran didn’t get promoted out of the Obsidian League last Sunday. Fran is philosophical, but annoyed.

December 2022: “Why are we going here?” Said Fran jabbing at the map of France on the table. We are mapping out a route, before making a booking on Airbnb. The city was Grenoble, in the French Alps. While Fran checked the Lonely Planet guide book, I call up photos of the French city. The images showed a city surrounded by snow-capped mountains. Fran took one look at the photo and declared: “Yes, we ARE going there!”

“We are going to Reims” said Fran excitedly after discovering the city totem is a wish-giving chouette (owl) statue. We wondered if it related to the Duolingo choette?

December 28, 2022: It is high summer here in Australia, the temps are well into the 30s. At our local Target Fran and I spot some end-of-season bargains – thermal leggings for $5 per pair. Bargain. Perfect for late autumn in Europe. The last time I wore thermal legging was in Salzburg in 2006. We have already preparing a bag for the trip – it has scarves and gloves, ready for the chill of Europe.

December 31, 2022: With 10 months to go to our departure to Europe, we have already worked out a motoring route that would take them from Rouen, to St Malo, Nantes, the Loire Valley, the Dordogne and the French Alps. Airbnb accomodation has already been booked for these destinations.

(Fran is now on a 78-day streak on Duolingo, having done 19 units. She has been stuck in the Obsidian League for weeks. Is determined to be promoted to the next level for 2023.)

Fran is determined to learn the words of a French song. She has heard Stacy Kent’s version of “Les Eaux du March: and loves the song. It is either that or Edith Piaf’s “Non, je ne regrette rien”.